Rules for Argumentation or Debate to Succeed (or Fail) by (Part 1)

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Of late, I have been giving some thought to what makes for a productive debate or argument, which has prompted me to outline some orienting principles below that others can use to partake in more fruitful dialogue on matters of importance. Another reason why I want to set these out is as a means of holding myself accountable to these rules as I move forward in my career, which isn’t always easy, especially when what is being discussed is quite emotive by nature (I’m conscious that I’m writing this on Australia Day so perhaps they spirit of the times as it concerns this occasion has attuned me to this reality). You may have noticed above that I used the word ‘productive’ to describe the aim of what a debate should seek to achieve, and not ‘victorious’, because I think that if our primary motivation is to win a debate/argument, then we will be too ready to transgress these principles at the cost of establishing common ground, demonstrating respect, and the facilitation of mutual understanding that can form the basis of collaborative problem solving. In this analysis, I’m also not going to focus on the body language and voice components of these interactions, as it is my view that the importance of these factors is often overstated and hyped by experts who see them as a means of ‘hacking’ a desired outcome in this context. With that out of the way, here I go with my rules:

1. Subjugate your ego – In a debate/argument, the primary goal of your ego will be to win, be right and to exert the force of your will on the other party to tilt the dialogue in your favour. In the process of doing this, you will be reducing not just the other person, but also what they have to say, to a means that you think will make you look good, or superior, in relation to your perceived opponent. In reality though, it will be blatantly apparent to others what you are doing and they will go on the defensive. For the person you are debating, this will evoke them to engage their own ego, and for those who are listening or watching, in their judgment you will lose credibility and respect as they realise your self-interest in winning the debate at all costs is going to trump any good faith attempt to listen to the other person and come to a resolution that honours the best of what both sides have to offer. This is the higher road that the ego won’t let us travel down because at the end of the day, it won’t allow us to give any ground to those who it feels dare to oppose or critique our position. It also doesn’t help that social media platforms incentivise egocentric behaviour in debate that serves as a bad example of how dialogue should be conducted (videos where it is described that someone is being ‘schooled’, ‘owned’, ‘dunked on’ or ‘destroyed’, for example, are boosted by the algorithm to drive engagement for those content creators).

2. Don’t prejudge, and be open to what the other person has to say – It is very tempting to want to put someone into a box and paint a broad stroke picture of them based on positions they have taken in the past, but try to avoid this as there is inevitably much more to this person than what they reveal at the surface level of their being. By all means, be conscious of what they have said to signal where they stand on issues, but if you can not pre-judge and be open to who they are and what they have to say, a space will be created where their depth of insight and nuance can emerge to better inform the discussion at hand. Not only does this serve them, but it also serves you and what should be a starting intention of yours to find a middle ground.

People are normally very appreciative of, and inclined to look very favourable upon, others who can create this space for their authentic voice to come forth. Being an exercise in allowing vulnerability, what can often impinge our ability or desire to do that for another is our own fear of being vulnerable in their presence. When you see someone in debate who is leading from their ego, this is often what is going on. It is worth appreciating also that debates by their nature are also forums of personal exposure in the sense that even if we are putting our best foot forward, we risk appearing as though we are out of our depth or looking stupid, which is one of the underlying components of the grave fear that many have around public speaking. Having the grace to allow the person we are speaking to to articulate what they have to say without the fear of scorn or censure, also works out favourably for the person granting that gift as the audience is more likely to extend grace to them for any faux pas they may commit in the course of the discussion. Such is the room that our goodwill affords.

When we don’t try to pigeonhole others and are actually open to receiving more of who they are and the insights they possess, we also expand our potential to learn something valuable that we did not know, and that can better inform our own views on the matter at hand. Just the other day, I heard something along the lines that what you or I know is less than .001% of all things that are learnable. In terms of total knowledge that we are yet to accrue, this might even be a generous estimate. While I know a few things about areas of interest such as leadership, vocation, the law and basketball, I know exceedingly little about things such as aviation, astronomy, gastronomy, croquet and Senegalese culture (to mention only a fraction of things that I know but a sliver about). Therefore, if I encounter someone who has knowledge of those things, and mentions them in a context relevant way during the course of a debate, it would behove me to become completely teachable in those moments, especially given the reasonableness of not expecting any one person to have access to the full spectrum of knowledge, and the lack of shame associated with that. Even the greatest polymaths have their limitations, and those who present as galaxy-brained in debates are liable to come across as fools as they overreach on topics that they know very little about. Best then not to be like them, when we can pre-emptively learn from their mistakes.  

Role Models for Realists (Part 1)

Everybody could do with role-models or mentors that can help them reach new levels in their personal and professional lives. Why they are so valuable is that none of us know by ourselves what we need in order to take productive steps forward into unchartered territory. Having taken that journey in their own unique way, these individuals can serve an illuminating role in allowing us to see our circumstances more clearly. Just by having a conversation with them, they may be able to detect from our language that we are fearfully sabotaging our progress in some way, or that we are naïve in understanding the human politics at work in our situation. While we will likely not be able to replicate their success by doing what they did, by the knowledge and wisdom that these role-models or mentors offer, we can shortcut learning to a certain degree and chart a more direct path to where we want to go in the future.

All of this is contingent of course in finding the right role models or mentors. The nature of our specific vocational journey is important in this respect, as we want to find individuals who have a direct experience of what we want to undertake. If you want to write a book, then a great mentor would be a published author who has moved beyond just the manuscript production stage. While an inspirational businessperson or professional athlete may have some insights to impart about their mental game or the qualities such as resilience that we will need to demonstrate along the path to publication, their respective domains are so far removed from our field of writing that they are not going to have the depth of understanding about the intricacies of the craft and what we need to do to overcome our present limitations in competence.

The good news with this is that no matter what domain our vocation is in, there will always be people who are ahead of us with their proficiency that we can readily reach out to and instigate a mentoring relationship. These individuals may not necessarily be higher than us on the organisational chart and some of them may be retired or even working by themselves or in other organisations, but if we know our field well enough there will be names that stand out by what they have been able to accomplish. Hopefully, when we reach out to these individuals, they are receptive to wanting to help us and pay forward the fruits of their success. From my own experience, I have observed that those who are most willing to serve as role-models or mentors are normally past mid-life and at a stage where they have already had their own time to make a mark on the world. Chances are that if someone is younger, extremely talented and making things happen in their field, their energy is already being heavily focused on making their own mark, which won’t bode well in them not being able to give much of their time to you. Also, if these young stars have a competitive mindset that would lead them to see you as someone who might threaten their progress when you rise through the ranks, they might be reluctant to be the one to give you that leg up.

When you do meet someone who is willing to act as a mentor or role-model for you, I think it is really important to be realistic about what your expectations of them are, and not to put them too much on a pedestal. Yes, they may be powerful and have virtues that draw your deep admiration, but it is worth remembering that what they have accomplished that you wish to emulate is only a part of who that person is. They will also have other dimensions of their being that haven’t been integrated and are not worthy of imitation. One of the first times that I learned this lesson was when I was coming up in the law and saw at a speaking event, one of the most well-known barristers in town who had a high profile in the media. On the surface this guy seemed to have it all together, and he was very charming and relatable despite everything that he had achieved. In the days following the event, I was talking to a colleague about potentially sounding this hotshot out about mentoring me, and when I mentioned this the look that came over his face indicated that I would do well to reconsider that proposition. Before I could question him on his look, he offered the reason for its holding. “You do know that he got caught having an affair a year or so ago. His wife divorced him and kids won’t speak to him.” While no doubt, Perth is a small place and news of this sort travels fast, clearly I didn’t have my ear close enough to the ground to know more about this guy that I was wanting to have mentor me. Had I been acquainted with the broader context of his personal story, I would have no doubt been more discerning about the qualities I was looking for in a potential mentor. While I don’t necessarily judge him for his choices here, what I took from that learning experience was that none of us really have it all together across the different spheres of our lives, and we should not be blind to that, even when the temptation is present to look right past what isn’t convenient to see, or palpable to our ego’s desire to project qualities onto another.

Observing the Veil of Time (Part 4)

In the law, as in other professions, the habit of immersing one’s self in greater levels of activity is often how they compensate for this felt loss of control over their life (‘doing’ to allay the feeling of being ‘done to’). But rather than helping these people regain a sense of autonomy over their circumstances, it unsurprisingly only serves to mire them more deeply in the cycle of busyness that has become such a status symbol in our culture. If you are not working hard, you are not needed or valuable, or are undeserving of good things, so the thinking goes. From this dysfunctional perspective, time only exists to facilitate a more desirable end, and holds no inherent value as an end of itself (as enabling one to meaningfully engage in their work, for example).

When we hollow out the very foundation of our means of participating in work, it is inevitable that we will suffer from a debilitating emptiness that leads us to question not only our relationship with what we do for a living, but to life itself. If there has been a silver lining to emerge from the pandemic, it has been the space to challenge some of the flawed assumptions that underpin our ways of working. Whether it was through the opportunities that lockdowns afforded for greater contemplation of this, or from the resolutions that have resulted in the ‘great resignation’, it seems that the value of our time is being re-evaluated with a view to being reclaimed. This provides me with some hope that more and more people will begin to re-prioritise those essential things that make for a well-lived life. Fundamentally, we know what those things are; we just need to reorient ourselves to facilitate their unfolding.  

Having this knowledge of who we are in the here and now, and where we want to go, allows us to effectively invest our time as our present moments are being lived out and savoured. By identifying what means the most to us, we can centre our attention there while laying the foundation for continued flourishing down the line. If family is what you value above all else, then nothing will bring you more joy than being engaged with your spouse and children. Sharing in these moments with them now does not just add strength to the union in the short term, it fortifies it into the future. Investing our time in this way, rather than frittering it away on what ultimately holds no importance to us is how we honour our integrity as distinct human beings.

Traditional time management techniques teach us to focus our attention on what is urgent and important. Assuming that we know what is important, it presents an incomplete model that compromises success when it is blindly followed and not thoughtfully challenged. Success in this context means happy and healthy relationships, an experience of inner peace, and an engaged and inspired work life, among other things. Time is not money if money is not something that you value. Neither is it to be spent seeking the approval of others if sanity is what we value. Time used wisely is given to self-exploration and using what we find at the deepest level of our being to serve an enriching function in the world. Our shared experience of fulfilment and significance when given to this end is, I believe, testament to a deeper form of truth that grounds this injunction.    

To enact this calling in the particular context of our life is what time, in part, has made possible. Of all the centuries in which your being could have found life, it takes form in the current time for a purpose that is paramount. Were there not a pressing need for your existence to help progress the world forward, you wouldn’t be here to read this. Your attention to this fact is a virtue that transcends any values that shape how your ego may want to orient your life for personal gain. Time is an instrumentality that only the soul knows how to use for higher purposes, and this is the mystery that the construct invites us into. Beneath the sound of a clock is a silence which speaks loudest to the heart that is receptive to its informing. Learn from there; Love from there; Bring your light to the world from there.

Get an Idea (Part 2)

However it is that one would define the culture that we find life in today, what is undeniable is how much of it has been shaped by the ideas of the past. Here, my mind turns to the many great thinkers whose philosophical insights underpin the form that entire industries take today. Isaac Newton and the scientific revolution. Marie Curie and the field of radioactivity. Jeremy Bentham and utilitarianism as the guiding precept of legal order. And the list goes on and on. With these giants being agents of our collective evolution, they each laid in place the building blocks that have allowed us to see further than they were able to in their day, and ask deeper questions about the things they discovered. Having provided us with the knowledge and wisdom that we so often take for granted, it is their pioneering spirit that continues to inspire those who strive to awaken their own innate genius and move towards self-mastery.

This is perhaps no more true than for adherents of the perennial philosophy, which seeks to get at the heart of what it means to be fully human. With its immutable applicability that translates across generations, what is most amazing about reviewing its tenets is just how relevant its teachings are to modern life. While the context of life may have changed since its proponents wondered the earth many hundreds of years ago, the essence of what it ultimately means to live well hasn’t. For as long as I can remember, I have been an admirer of stoic thought and its urging for us to know ourselves in order to develop a virtuous character. How much better would the quality of our lives be if that was the path that we chose to emulate?

Another one of the books that I am currently working through is Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations. While the title of that seminal work represents a flavour of meditation that is different from what you or I may hold in our mind as we think about the concept, this spiritually introspective practice was being advocated for by this former Roman Emperor in 150AD! Yet, it is only in relatively recent times that a large number of business leaders, politicians, entertainers and professional athletes, among others, have taken to the practice for the wide-ranging benefits that it delivers.

How do we become the person that we were created to be? This really is the universal question. Asking it of myself for more than two decades now, I have learned so much that has informed my own growth, and influenced how I instruct others to go about the task of developing themselves. Were I the same person I was twenty years ago, I would have much less to offer to those who I have a stewardship responsibility over, my children and students. This to me would be untenable and a betrayal of the actualising quality of life that we have been called to embody as we progress along our individual and collective journeys.

When you think about it, who we are in this moment is the sum total of the ideas that we have brought into over the course of our lifetime. While once upon a time, I used to categorise ideas as being good or bad, now I tend to judge them through the lens of being useful or not useful. For me the question is ‘does this idea increase the quality of my life?’ Quality here is meant to comprise spiritual nurturance and enrichment, not hedonic pleasure seeking ends. If an idea meets this criteria, then I will run with it and integrate its lessons into my life. If it doesn’t then I will put it on the shelf. There is no harm in learning something new, even if it is unworkable for you. Some ideas will automatically resonate with us while others will not. It is just a part of getting on our authentic path and finding something of value that we can move forward with. This is the test. If there is a genuine resonance, they are likely to work. If not, then they will be hindered in their functionality. Wisdom in this sense is knowing how to ‘pick the roses and leave the thorns’ as a good friend of mine, Joe, is fond of saying.

Master motivator, Tony Robbins, once mused that “it doesn’t take a lot of ideas to change your life and it doesn’t take a complicated idea to change your life. All that it takes is something that you are willing to take in and use.” Really simple but practical advice here. Ideas are what we make of them. Powerful in themselves, the real magic is to be found in their application. Being where the rubber meets the road, this is how they make a difference and carve out the legacy of those who are courageous enough to conceive and implement them for the betterment of humanity.