Rules for Argumentation or Debate to Succeed (or Fail) by (Part 1)

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Of late, I have been giving some thought to what makes for a productive debate or argument, which has prompted me to outline some orienting principles below that others can use to partake in more fruitful dialogue on matters of importance. Another reason why I want to set these out is as a means of holding myself accountable to these rules as I move forward in my career, which isn’t always easy, especially when what is being discussed is quite emotive by nature (I’m conscious that I’m writing this on Australia Day so perhaps they spirit of the times as it concerns this occasion has attuned me to this reality). You may have noticed above that I used the word ‘productive’ to describe the aim of what a debate should seek to achieve, and not ‘victorious’, because I think that if our primary motivation is to win a debate/argument, then we will be too ready to transgress these principles at the cost of establishing common ground, demonstrating respect, and the facilitation of mutual understanding that can form the basis of collaborative problem solving. In this analysis, I’m also not going to focus on the body language and voice components of these interactions, as it is my view that the importance of these factors is often overstated and hyped by experts who see them as a means of ‘hacking’ a desired outcome in this context. With that out of the way, here I go with my rules:

1. Subjugate your ego – In a debate/argument, the primary goal of your ego will be to win, be right and to exert the force of your will on the other party to tilt the dialogue in your favour. In the process of doing this, you will be reducing not just the other person, but also what they have to say, to a means that you think will make you look good, or superior, in relation to your perceived opponent. In reality though, it will be blatantly apparent to others what you are doing and they will go on the defensive. For the person you are debating, this will evoke them to engage their own ego, and for those who are listening or watching, in their judgment you will lose credibility and respect as they realise your self-interest in winning the debate at all costs is going to trump any good faith attempt to listen to the other person and come to a resolution that honours the best of what both sides have to offer. This is the higher road that the ego won’t let us travel down because at the end of the day, it won’t allow us to give any ground to those who it feels dare to oppose or critique our position. It also doesn’t help that social media platforms incentivise egocentric behaviour in debate that serves as a bad example of how dialogue should be conducted (videos where it is described that someone is being ‘schooled’, ‘owned’, ‘dunked on’ or ‘destroyed’, for example, are boosted by the algorithm to drive engagement for those content creators).

2. Don’t prejudge, and be open to what the other person has to say – It is very tempting to want to put someone into a box and paint a broad stroke picture of them based on positions they have taken in the past, but try to avoid this as there is inevitably much more to this person than what they reveal at the surface level of their being. By all means, be conscious of what they have said to signal where they stand on issues, but if you can not pre-judge and be open to who they are and what they have to say, a space will be created where their depth of insight and nuance can emerge to better inform the discussion at hand. Not only does this serve them, but it also serves you and what should be a starting intention of yours to find a middle ground.

People are normally very appreciative of, and inclined to look very favourable upon, others who can create this space for their authentic voice to come forth. Being an exercise in allowing vulnerability, what can often impinge our ability or desire to do that for another is our own fear of being vulnerable in their presence. When you see someone in debate who is leading from their ego, this is often what is going on. It is worth appreciating also that debates by their nature are also forums of personal exposure in the sense that even if we are putting our best foot forward, we risk appearing as though we are out of our depth or looking stupid, which is one of the underlying components of the grave fear that many have around public speaking. Having the grace to allow the person we are speaking to to articulate what they have to say without the fear of scorn or censure, also works out favourably for the person granting that gift as the audience is more likely to extend grace to them for any faux pas they may commit in the course of the discussion. Such is the room that our goodwill affords.

When we don’t try to pigeonhole others and are actually open to receiving more of who they are and the insights they possess, we also expand our potential to learn something valuable that we did not know, and that can better inform our own views on the matter at hand. Just the other day, I heard something along the lines that what you or I know is less than .001% of all things that are learnable. In terms of total knowledge that we are yet to accrue, this might even be a generous estimate. While I know a few things about areas of interest such as leadership, vocation, the law and basketball, I know exceedingly little about things such as aviation, astronomy, gastronomy, croquet and Senegalese culture (to mention only a fraction of things that I know but a sliver about). Therefore, if I encounter someone who has knowledge of those things, and mentions them in a context relevant way during the course of a debate, it would behove me to become completely teachable in those moments, especially given the reasonableness of not expecting any one person to have access to the full spectrum of knowledge, and the lack of shame associated with that. Even the greatest polymaths have their limitations, and those who present as galaxy-brained in debates are liable to come across as fools as they overreach on topics that they know very little about. Best then not to be like them, when we can pre-emptively learn from their mistakes.  

Love at First Sight…or Perhaps not Quite (Part 2)

When I spoke to my respondents about the course of their vocational journeys and the feelings that were associated with knowing that they were on the right course, I received a mixed bag of answers that supports the assertion that love for what one does comes about in a multiplicity of ways. For some, their experience was to encounter love when they were first exposed to the thing that they were born to do, which usually happened early in life, and often with the guidance of parents or other mentors. With this particular path, how it presented itself in the data was as occurring less frequently than the other means of encountering one’s vocation that I will expand on shortly. This might come as somewhat of a surprise given the awed attention that we pay to well-known individuals who have followed this path (think a 2 year old Tiger Woods appearing on the Mike Douglas Show to show off his golfing prowess). Mythologising this journey to destiny in the same way that we have romanticised the experiencing of love at first sight, we fall victim to over representing these types of vocational encounters, which can have the adverse side effect of instilling doubt in observers about the existence of their own calling, if they had not come to connect with it early in their life.

If we can think of the love at first exposure journey as a straight line path, another path, which I have found to be more common, is one that would map as a zig zagging path, where there is a number of detours and pivots taken before one really finds vocational clarity. For someone who has taken such a path and looked back at its wake, they may say something like ‘one thing led to another and I just didn’t know it at the time’. With this type of journey, it is the one that I resonate with the most because it is the path that I have taken. Crayboat deckhand, security guard, mature age student, lawyer, traveller, make-up salesman, academic, writer… On this winding path, our passion and purpose unfold along the way as we grow and evolve with time and the experiencing of different things that in some mysterious or destined way synergise to give us clarity about what we are meant to be doing with our lives.

Like the love in a relationship that comes to the surface of consciousness slowly over time, our love for our work on this zigzagging path marinates and becomes more pronounced as we connect more deeply with who we authentically are and the unique gifts that our spirit has endowed us with. Assisting us in our achievement of clarity were what we might have been inclined to call ‘dead ends’, but with hindsight can now realise were positively essential in teaching us more about ourselves and what we did not want for our lives. Through the adversity and challenges of this journey, the love that we find is hard earned, which can make the fruits of this journey that much sweeter. This is not to diminish the love that one experiences on a straight line journey, for undoubtedly, the work of unfolding oneself and moving towards mastery will have its own trials and tribulations in that context, as the biographies of a Tiger Woods or Elizabeth Taylor would attest.

Sitting in the grey area are some instances that I came across which can best be described as ‘having learnt to love the one you are with’. With this permutation of love, it is revealed as one relinquishes the desires of their ego to aspire to a form of life that is more physically gratifying and status enhancing. Having experienced or observed the hollowing effects of living a superficial life of climbing the greasy ladder of ‘success’ and prioritising material gain above all else, what is opted for instead is a path to meaning that makes the world better in a less grandiose way than one’s early ambition may have envisioned. With the importance and necessity of the work being the prime driver, over the particular context in which it takes form, one can reconcile their found purpose with a form of love that brings fulfilment to their heart and fortifies their sense of self-worth. Though it may only find life in a little corner of the world, those who experience love in this way don’t allow this reality to become a barrier to them putting forth their best efforts in furthering a social good that has called for their contribution. Having accrued a series of valuable qualities and skills that can be put to use, they dedicate themselves to the task with a tremendous zeal and care that is synonymous with the presence of love. From them, we learn that love for work emerges in serendipitous ways that we should be open to in our own lives. Whether our path is snaking, straight or something in between, our blessing is that we have one to traverse that connects us to eternity. Such is a cause for celebration for many paths do indeed lead to one destination.