Enablers and Adversaries (Part 3)

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The danger during times when we feel like a diminished version of ourselves is that we can naively come to assume or believe that the people who offer to prop us up or help us heal have our best interests at heart. This is seen quite frequently within cults where vulnerable people looking for belonging or a higher sense of meaning to their lives are love-bombed by devotees of the cult leader, while effectively being groomed for membership of something that will prove deleterious to their best efforts at moving productively forward with their lives. While that may appear to be an extreme example, there can also be individuals within our familial and friendship circles who by their own deficit of character or woundedness would be inclined towards facilitating co-dependence or enmeshment with us if they were given the opportunity to be leaned on as a means of support. While no doubt this sounds like a highly cynical take on what motivates some individuals to interject themselves into the challenges that we sometimes face in our lives, I have found that the possibility of encountering these individuals is not to be underestimated.

When we see the world through rose coloured glasses as a consequence of our weakened state of being, we can become too trusting of what others say or how they seek to make us feel, especially if the effect of that would be to numb us to the pain or discomfort that we feel as a consequence of our predicament. While we might long for the temporary relief of this tension or suffering, when we outsource that task to someone who wants to ride in on their white horse to fix our problems from the outside, we unknowingly make the path towards identifying the right actions and solutions that much harder to discern and pursue. Any psychologist or counsellor worth their salt knows this to be true, and when there are avenues of resolution that present themselves to a patient during the process of therapy, they will see it as their task to defer to the patient coming to those realisations themselves, rather than being pre-emptively prescriptive about what they think that person should do in the circumstances. While one could argue that providing these solutions is what a psychologist or counsellor gets paid for, there is also a cost to be borne by the patient, who because they are told what to do are deprived of the opportunity to piece together their own understandings from the broken fragments of meaning that were inherent in the adverse experiences they encountered. And here we have an adversary in the form of a competent psychologist or counsellor appear in the frame again.

I’ve heard it said that if a person finds the therapeutic process to be a pleasurable experience, then they need to seek an alternate form of assistance immediately. Working through our trauma or dysfunction is a naturally uncomfortable and painful experience, and if we are coddled through that process, not only do we risk getting stuck along the journey to healing but we can also retreat into becoming a less resilient and empowered version of ourselves. If someone truly loves us and cares about our flourishing, then this should be the antithesis of what they want for our lives. No doubt, the people who love and care for us the most genuinely have that intention, but they likely don’t have the know how to help us through difficult periods effectively. If that is the case, I think it is better for all involved that they humbly realise their limitations, rather than trying to rush in with a saviour complex to try and fix our problems.

What I’ve observed, especially of late, in the activism space is a pervasive narcissism which manifests in this complex that oftentimes has the counter effect to whatever it is that these activists say they are standing for. Take the current pro-Palestinian protests for example. By focusing their anger and condemnation on the Israeli Defence Forces for the civilian deaths that have resulted from their best attempts at weeding out the scourge of Hamas fighters that still present a threat to Israeli security, these activists are unwittingly fortifying the legitimacy of that brutal terror group whose failures in properly leading the Palestinian territory have been the primary cause of the havoc and suffering wreaked on its inhabitants lives. By deflecting the responsibility (or blame – depending on how one sees it) for what is taking place so that they can identify with the present victims of the conflict, these individuals are in effect enabling the true source of these people’s subjugation. Like fools, they rush in where angels fear to tread.

What the better angels of our nature have to teach us here is the wisdom of enabling nobly (which could otherwise be expressed as ennobling others) and being a formidable adversary to those whose capacities we want to see develop to meet the vicissitudes of life. Personal and collective thriving does not occur if we allow others to indulge the deficits in their character that we call vices. Neither do they cultivate the fortitude to move forward with courage and confidence, if we treat them with kid gloves. In this age of entitlement and victimhood where people are inclined to play that role to garner attention and empathy for themselves, it is worth pausing before we respond to their ‘need’, lest we come to the ill-formed and self-indulgent conclusion that our intervention is necessary for ‘good’ to be done. Those who are truly virtuous don’t have those motives working in the background to orient their behaviour, so we need to evolve beyond our ego to embody the forms of enabler and adversary that can serve others and bring generative life to the world.

A Rarer Form of Gratitude

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When you look at your life and the moments that you might be inclined to feel gratitude in it, what is that in relation to? If you are like most people, the experiencing of that feeling will be reserved for when things are going positively to your benefit. Having a body that is healthy and functioning; being praised by a superior at work; a special moment that is shared with your partner; receiving an unexpected gift from someone close to you; the temperature of the day being just how you like it. While all of this is good and a valid cause for our gratitude, I don’t think that we need to become dependent on things falling our way before we can experience appreciation for what life has to offer us.

Amidst all of life’s imperfections, deficits, losses and chaos, there is tremendous opportunity for each of us to serve a vital reconciliatory or restorative function. Being some of the most meaningful and impactful work we will ever undertake, it doesn’t make sense for us to curse this state of affairs or judge it as something that shouldn’t be, especially when we possess the ability to change it for the better. Even in things that are beyond our capacity to change, the Japanese notion of Wabi-sabi teaches that beauty can be found in nature’s imperfections if we are willing to define reality on terms that transcend the ego’s superficial understandings. While this hyperjudgmental dimension of self would have us avert our gaze from what it finds distasteful or ugly, our higher spiritual self doesn’t have to do this because it doesn’t perceive in separation, or stand apart from what it recognises shares its essence. In this realm of interconnectedness which we understand ourselves as belonging to when we align our being with our spiritual nature, we become receptive to the call to integrity or wholeness, which first animates us and then moves out into the world through our intentions, words and actions.

To conditions of dis-ease, we can bring healing; where there is injustice, we can bring an even hand; where there is conflict and division, we can serve as an instrument of peace and unity; when others suffer under the weight of aimlessness and confusion; our presence can enlighten their path to bring purpose and clarity. Where chaos is sown, we can restore order as a firm foundation from which individual and collective thriving can take place.

A key thread of the above paragraph are the three A’s that we re-connect with when we embody our essential nature: autonomy, agency and authority. It is an illusion, perpetuated by the ego, and reinforced by our evident physical limitations in the world, to think that we are incapable of playing a part in the flourishing of the human condition. As terrible as things have been historically through wars, famine, pandemics, the subjugation of vulnerable peoples, and the like, there have always been people who refused to slink into the narrow confines of victimhood and hopelessness to meet the needs of the moment and serve the purpose for which they were created. While the majority of others looked at those despoiled conditions and helplessly lamented what had befallen them, these beacons of light saw the opportunity in the darkness to make manifest more than what was reasonable in the circumstances to contemplate.

It has been said previously that progress in the world depends on the unreasonable men and women who get their strength, resilience, resourcefulness, and vision from somewhere else. From what I have stated above, it should be clear where the territory I am advocating for you to explore is located. This is the home of not only our supreme giftedness but our latent virtue and golden compass. They are there ready and waiting, even if presently your eyes aren’t open enough to see them.

While you, like I and the world, are mired in our imperfections, we aren’t finished on our journey either, which is worth remembering and being grateful for when we are tempted to cynicism, nihilism or the confused and lonely road of purposelessness.

Aiming for Centre (Part 2)

What should be undeniable is that when all of our more superficial identity characterisations are stripped back, there is a core to our human existence that endows each person with a natural worth, dignity and right to flourishing of their unique personhood. While the precise source of this sovereign value might be grounded differently depending on the observer’s ontological positioning, it is no doubt present to be an orienting consideration for how human beings should perceive and relate to one another. Elevating this recognition to the status of knowing, what fails to reach this moral standard of ‘capital T’ Truth are the limited and limiting beliefs that we hold about other individuals and groups of people, which can’t help but be generalised, reductionistic, and serving of our egocentric prejudices. While it may have escaped your attention, my use of the word ‘hold’ in the preceding sentence, presents an accurate description of how these beliefs are not of their nature primary or emergent from the deepest recesses of our being, but are instead received from external sources to construct and perpetuate a culture that is integrative of those beliefs.

Currently existing in a culture that is preoccupied with power structures and the want to dismantle them, we see the binary oppressor/oppressed narrative being simplistically applied to this conflict by those whose ideological biases have them identify with one set of victims at the expense of others and their suffering. Days after the initial attack and since Israel has launched its counter-offensive, I have been shocked to see so much of the blatantly opportunistic and self-serving support of Palestine by those who yearn to publicly appear virtuous by siding with the ‘oppressed’ in the conflict, despite Hamas having clearly provoked the attack, and the historical evidence (see the Holocaust) of the Jewish people being one of the most persecuted minorities to ever walk the planet. Such a schism in perceiving these events leads to both absurdities in rationalising actions and a callous disregard for the innocent civilians who have been directly affected by the fighting.

One of the first casualties of being too ideologically consumed is being able to demonstrate empathy for members of an ‘out-group’. For those who believe they must choose a side in a conflict such as this, they will be unwilling to feel for the other, lest it serves to detract from the sense of righteousness that validates their support for the actions that have wrought the other harm. One of the positives that come from being a centrist is the ability to keep the space open from which this empathy can be felt. Even in making the observations from the previous paragraph, I can find a level of appreciation for what might lead people to protest so vehemently in the streets for one side over the other, even if I don’t support their position. At the root of a lot of this re-activism is trauma of some kind, or the feeling of belonging to a group where ostracism or victimisation have been experienced. I think this explains some of the solidarity demonstrated by segments of the LGBTIQA+ community towards the Palestinian cause, despite the clearly negative view that Islamic doctrine has towards those who identify as members of that community, and how they would be treated if they lived in Gaza themselves.

There is no doubt also that many members of the current generation of Palestinians have been directly impacted by previous iterations of the conflict which has produced deep-seated resentments and even a blinding hate for the Jewish state and its people. Feeding the kinds of extremism that have led to a group like Hamas coming to power, that viciously negative sentiment seems to be never far from consciousness as each new version of the conflict rips open old wounds that have never been healed. Neither would Hamas ever allow those grievances to be forgotten or forgiven, for were they to do so, the very basis of their authority and legitimacy would be undermined in the eyes of the Palestinian people. With such distorting influences and incentives at play, the barriers to finding a way back to centre, and the peace it enables, are made all the more difficult to deconstruct. The progress that the human heart seeks to affect will always be opposed by a polarised ideology that isn’t served by a reorientation of its adherents towards reconciliation and the furtherance of the common good. Just as common sense is not all that common when we are ideologically compromised, so is the common good not all that desired when we occupy that ego-based positioning.  

Sorry, Not Sorry (Some thoughts on Apologies) (Part 2)

7. When dealing with irrational and emotionally driven people (particularly online) don’t be naïve enough to assume that an apology will ward off criticism or personal attacks for something you have said or done. In the age of cancel culture, many people have a predetermined axe to grind, and they will bay for the blood of those ‘others’ who are ideologically opposed to their way of seeing the world. In the eyes of these people, what is said or done will be interpreted in the worst possible light, even amid inevitable ambiguities and alternate intentions that can describe your conduct. This is because these people need to not only validate but also defend their own identity and worldview as ones that are right and virtuous. To this end, they can give no ground. Give them an inch by offering an apology, and they will take a mile in trying to destroy your reputation. Better your reputation than their worldview, if they were actually forced to examine the tenuous basis on which it rests.

Sadly, for these people, tearing others down is how they seek to build themselves up, but personal power can never be achieved in this way. Knowing this will enable you to preserve your own power in dealing with these bullies. By all means, if you have said something that is genuinely and objectively offensive then apologise unreservedly, but short of this, hold the line and wait for their wrath to be redirected to someone else who has repeated your cardinal sin of speaking against their dogma. You can hold your breath as it won’t be long coming. Insatiable predators of this type need fresh meat to consume and they won’t have the discipline or fortitude to continue haranguing you when confronted with your conviction to defend your ground at all costs.  

8. An apology should never be given instrumentally, as in, offered to another person to get something from them, or to stop them from doing something that we find challenging to deal with. Often in romantic relationships, for example, there are fundamental issues impacting the union that we don’t want to confront, so in the heat of an argument we might opt to shut it down by apologising for something that we have done to appease our partner’s angst. On the one hand, it is a good thing to have apologised for our actions if they have caused harm to the other person, but on the other, the underlying tensions that are present have now become further buried and exacerbated. I say exacerbated because if the other person in the relationship bears some responsibility for the substance of the argument and they have been let off the hook for not having to accept that responsibility by apologising themselves, the resentment that is produced in the person apologising will add another layer to the discontent that they feel in relating to their partner. While this may temporarily keep the peace, over a greater span of time it is likely to lead to passive-aggressive or even overtly aggressive behaviour when the top inevitably blows on that long brewing bottle of tensions. Reconciliation is not a one-way street, and the impetus for it requires the courage to truth tell by all those who seek a better quality of relationship.

9. I like the saying that ‘the best apology is changed behaviour’. Said another way, actions speak louder than words. It’s very easy to mouth an apology, but much harder to change behaviour that signifies our contrition for the harmful conduct previously engaged in. I think one of the sources of resistance with this is our ego which doesn’t have to risk as much by just mouthing an apology than it otherwise would have to by showing to the world the error of our ways by changing our behaviour in relation to it. Rather than being seen through this lens of fallibility, we can choose to see our altered behaviour as a sign of growth and maturity where we are better adapting to what the world requires of us as a fully-functioning member of the human family. Here, I am talking about the duties that we owe to it and others in order to contribute to their flourishing. If you or I were to just remain as ego-driven and infantile agents, we wouldn’t care less about how our actions impacted the world around us because our focus would be serving ourselves in all things. But where is the growth in that, in seeking to bend the world to our whim and have it conform to the fragile construction of our ego identity and desire for what we think the world owes us? Such a perspective of entitlement is entirely incongruent with any search for enlightenment that must start with facing the mirror of reflection firmly on ourselves to dis-cover what is to be addressed and corrected.  

10. The willingness to apologise is in the domain of relationships an act of leadership. If you and I are arguing, the life of our relationship is stagnant. Nothing further will happen until someone moves to break that stalemate. Whoever steps forward to offer their hand in reconciliation is a leader in that moment. We also know that a fundamental virtue of leadership is the willingness of a person to own their share of the dysfunction that their behaviour has caused. Bad leaders do what: they put themselves in the position of a victim by blaming anyone and anything for the harm they have caused because they lack the courage and character to confront their behaviour. This gives them an out for having to apologise, but this comes at the extreme cost of their leadership authority and credibility. Respect once gained, can’t help but be lost, as this responsibility is abdicated at the foundational interpersonal/relational level. As we are so often wisely instructed, when presented with two paths, choose the higher road, which has been built by the better angels of our spiritual nature to release us of the petty shackles that the stubborn ego and its virulent sense of righteousness is want to bound us with.