Sorry, Not Sorry (Some thoughts on Apologies) (Part 1)

1. An apology is a basic act of remediation when our behaviour has caused harm to someone else. It reflects that we understand how we have hurt the person affected, which is important in not only mending the harm that has been produced by our actions, but also as an acknowledgement that we need to grow beyond that problematic behaviour.

2. An apology should never be scripted becomes it comes across as being insincere and having been curated by someone else. This is especially the case for famous people with a public relations team behind them. In the age of social media and artificial intelligence, the scrutiny for a fabricated apology will be intense, and no doubt more than a few eager internet sleuths will do their own investigations on whether the given apology was put together by ChatGPT (note to self, Ja Morant!). If an unscripted apology involves the display of raw emotion that is focused on the impact suffered by the other person, then it will likely be perceived as genuine. Beware though that apologetic displays of emotion can be histrionic and self-indulgent, and no one really wants to hear how the perpetrator’s bad behaviour towards others has caused them pain, or to feel a certain way about themselves, because they should not be the focus at that moment.

3. In many situations where people/organisations appear reluctant to offer an apology, or are delaying in doing so, chances are that lawyers have become involved and advised these entities not to offer an apology lest it be construed as an admission of guilt for which some form of liability would attach. The laws on this vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, but there is a common acceptance that an apology offered shouldn’t be prejudicial to a defendant in a subsequent trial. No doubt, it is a sad reality that an apology can’t just be offered for conduct that has clearly caused another harm, but when potentially large sums of money are at stake in a pending lawsuit, this reluctance to do so is somewhat understandable.  

4. In most disputes, it is my experience that each party shares an element of responsibility for what has occurred. It is rarer than we might think for one person to be completely blameless relative to the behaviour that the other person has demonstrated in the situation. When adjudicating on such matters, I would tend, from a credibility standpoint, to look more favourably on the side who can accept their share of responsibility for what has occurred and apologise for their role in that conflict. After all, being willing to see one’s role and apologise for that is not only a marker of maturity, but also integrity and good faith.

5. Don’t apologise or feel guilty for things you haven’t done. None of us are responsible for acts that caused harm to others before we were alive, yet we live in an age of perverse activism where individuals are sought to be persecuted for past wrongs because of the identity markers they share with past offenders. This is clearly absurd. The sins of the father belong to the father, not to their progeny, especially if the work and way of being of that progeny is playing a role in progressing the world forward from the harms that were wrought by those sins. Those often making these claims are also not first-hand victims of the behaviour in question, yet they victimise themselves by trying to make you responsible for their perceived harm/disadvantage. Apologising to these people and pandering to their irrational sensitivities is in reality an affront to their dignity as human beings. By enabling their playing of the victim, you are denying them agency, and the opportunity to grow through the process of having to examine and correct their false beliefs. If you genuinely care about their evolution and flourishing, you will take that stand and remind them of the responsibility they have to heal their own misconceptions.  

6. How we say something to someone is distinct from what we say to them, and the manner of this communication may itself justify an apology being offered. This is something to be mindful of if you aren’t afraid of argumentation, and you tend to make your points emotively and with conviction. I have observed about myself that I can be quite uncompromising in countering positions that are rooted in ideology or prejudicial assumptions that are too general to be accurate. Having tact requires a consideration of how your messaging will land to have the desired effect. Remember, when you have the ability to just tell another what you had for lunch, this obviates the need to vomit it all over them in order to get your message across.

Spirit, Ego and the Order of Operations in Leadership (Interlude)

Each of us is familiar with some of the principal elements of the order of operations in math (addition, subtraction, multiplication and division), but what is less recognisable is their applicability to the leadership domain, depending on whether we are leading from the core dimension of spirit, or from our base ego self. Below, I briefly outline how the proclivity of the spirit is to add and multiply the effects that flow when we live in alignment with it, and how it is the nature of the ego to divide and subtract from those who we deal with in the course of our lives.

The spirit and addition – One of the spirit’s prime virtues is generosity. It wants to reach beyond itself to expand its breadth, to give/give back and enrich. We see this in the habit of conscious leaders to add value to the people around them. This may take the form of mentoring, equipping their people with resources or training, or networking, where people are brought into contact with other people who can help them develop or open up opportunities for progression. Because these leaders have this core connectedness and an abundance of the spiritual substance of virtue to offer to the world, they can give of it without feeling diminished as the ego would if forced to give up something that it valued. Rather than experiencing these acts of generosity as draining, our spirit experiences them as sustaining. Secure in its power and means of service, it can impart these to others for their upliftment, and partake in reciprocal win-win outcomes that facilitate both individual and collective flourishing in the world.

The spirit as multiplier – Such is the abundant nature and giftedness of the spirit that it yearns to impart, it is not content to just stop there. Seeking to amplify the effect of its quality, it compels spirit filled leaders to want to cultivate other leaders in the world, and not just followers for their own cause. Appreciating the intricate and foundational connectedness that supports the fabric of our global community, these leaders don’t underestimate the impact that can be made by those others who they nurture to lead. In a business context, these leaders are likely to have a stakeholder orientation where they seek win-win-win outcomes not just for their organisation, its customers and staff, but for the broader constituencies that are equally dependent on its flourishing for their own thriving. The virtue of inspiration also has this quality, and when one is infused by it, even without a leadership title to their name, the intensity of their passion and purpose can spread like wildfire, into the hearts of others who are open and resonant with their offering.

The ego as subtractor – When we live from our ego, we lead from a place of insecurity with who we are. These types of leaders engage in a series of very familiar behaviours. They diminish other people through demeaning them, pull rank, and otherwise abuse power differentials to get outcomes that benefit them personally at the expense of others. To ward off potential successors to their position of influence, they will suppress them from rising up the ranks, often through passive aggressive behaviour, being aware that to be seen to be overtly doing this would be an affront to the reputation that hides their deficiencies of character. Here we see the win-lose paradigm at work. Ultimately, disempowered people will mirror that quality in their dealings with others, and will seek to tear them down so that they can feel better about themselves. This reflects their core problem, being the preoccupation with themselves, how they are perceived by others and how they feel. Nothing that enriches anything external to and beyond themselves can be propagated by this narrow and self-indulgent focus.

The ego as a divider – Here we see at work the ego’s proclivity for ‘othering’. While spirit centred leaders foster a sense of togetherness and belonging in having others become a part of that whole, the ego can’t extend this invitation to those ‘outsiders’ who it perceives and fears pose a threat to the power it possesses. Much of the tribalism that we see in politics and in the realm of social media has this quality to it. In the partisan political climate that we operate in, one of the main strategies that can help bolster support for your position is to attack the position of the other side, which only perpetuates this division and entrenches each side in their own ideological ‘truth’ bubbles. The more this is done, the more goodwill dissolves between the parties, until what we are left with is a perpetual tit for tat and grievance mongering that is extremely difficult to entangle ourselves from. Healing this divide can’t be achieved my maintaining the polarity that is central to the ego’s agenda to decentralise false power in itself. This can only be brought about by virtuous acts of integrity or wholeness that foster the togetherness and belonging that are characteristic of spirit. The ego itself knows this, hence the attentional bandwidth that it consumes to keep us ignorant to that truth, the wisdom of which transcends the ideological lines of contrived identity.

Making Sense of my Muse (Part 2)

How we feel when we are able to move in the right environment can’t be overstated, and the effect it has is to open up dimensions of our being that had previously been dormant when our soul and role were out of sync. In such a state of resistance, creativity and the other fruits of the spirit cannot find proper expression, as anyone who has worked in a job they despised can attest. Amongst the storm of negative emotions that are produced in such a scenario, we become consumed by them, and amidst this tempest we are incapable of cutting through that chaos to draw the novel associations or insights that are a feature of creative thought. Going through particularly difficult personal events also has a similar effect as we find our focus becoming consumed by the various details of the malaise that afflicts us. While we may be able to engage in different forms of art to help us process the suffering that we have experienced, normally this occurs retrospectively after the flood of intense emotions have been allowed to subside, and some semblance of equilibrium and perspective has been found.    

I find it notable that in his hierarchy of needs, Abraham Maslow situated creativity at the peak of his personal development pyramid in the category of self-actualisation, along with the reaching of one’s potential. Essentially, what he was saying through this placement is that in the absence of our more fundamental needs being met, such as for love, freedom and safety, we won’t be able to summon our creative capacities to their fullest extent. From what I have observed in my own life, he is right. If, for example, you were to work in a toxic environment that was psychologically unsafe to express yourself in, you would understandably be very hesitant in meetings to put forward new ideas or strategies that could be seen to go against the standard way of operating in that organisation. In this type of situation, two of the primary constraints on your creativity are likely to be (i) the felt need to keep your job so that your standard of living won’t be adversely impacted, and (ii) loss aversion concerning your relationships with your colleagues if your speaking up risks alienation or a diminishing of respect for you having acted contrary to those set norms.

The great tragedy in this situation is what you have had to sacrifice of yourself, or your spirit, to preserve these lower order needs. Where an opportunity existed to bring an innovative solution to a challenge that the organisation faced which could have produced a net benefit for all involved, that had to be foregone to save your own face, and that of the organisation so that it did not have to confront its own dysfunctionality. While of course we exercise free will and aren’t mandated to forgo the making of these authentic contributions, the reality is that we are enviro-organisms, who are as dependent on our environment for our flourishing as our environment is on us for its realisation. When viewed through this integral lens it becomes clear why our progress as a species is ever more vital, for without being able to move through those stages of deficit, we won’t be able to collectively ascend to reach our potential where fullness is attained.  

While it appears to be a daunting task when framed this way, the most effective place to start is with ourselves, and nurturing our capacity to make the unique contribution which best serves that end. Here, I am not referring to self-care, though that is no doubt important, but to grounding ourselves in the presence of spirit so that we can become receptive to what is has to teach and speak through us. These means of receptivity are the contrast to the forms of resistance that move us out of alignment with where our spirit wants us to be. As a writer, one of the forms of resistance that I am often tempted towards is procrastination. Whether it is putting together one of these blog entries or completing work on an academic article or book, as I attempt to go about the task I will invariably experience the desire to check my phone, the internet, or deal with other aspects of work that are much less difficult to confront. Before I can clear the space in my mind to allow my muse to enliven it, I have to reconcile the feelings that create these thoughts by first recognising them as being present. Whether it is fear, anxiety or doubt that is animating me at that moment in time, those emotions won’t be denied, despite how irrational I might conceive them as being.

My New Book – Calling New Leaders: How Living your Calling will make you an Inspired Leader of the Modern World

Hi all,

My new book, Calling New Leaders: How Living your Calling will make you an Inspired Leader of the Modern World will be released at the end of this month and is now available for pre-order via the following link: https://centralwestpublishing.com/product/calling-new-leaders-softcover/

It is the perfect book for anybody who is looking to connect with their life purpose and/or evolve to become a conscious leader who can embody the universal virtues of the human spirit.

The information on the back cover of the book is as follows:

What purpose have you been given life to fulfil, and how by you living it will you light the way for others to make their unique contribution to the flourishing of the world?

CALLING NEW LEADERS provides the answers to these two separate but interrelated questions. While leadership books abound and many others have written about discovering the ‘why’ to your existence, CALLING NEW LEADERS will provide you with the needed clarity to these fundamental existential questions in one book.

Drawing upon rigorous research on the topic and real life examples of how a lived calling and leadership intersect, you will be taken on a journey to connecting with your spirit and its meaningful call to service and adventure in your life. Evolving you towards the embodiment of the core virtues of humanity that mark the peak of the personal development journey, you will move closer towards becoming the leader that you have always aspired to be.

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