Sorry, Not Sorry (Some thoughts on Apologies) (Part 1)

1. An apology is a basic act of remediation when our behaviour has caused harm to someone else. It reflects that we understand how we have hurt the person affected, which is important in not only mending the harm that has been produced by our actions, but also as an acknowledgement that we need to grow beyond that problematic behaviour.

2. An apology should never be scripted becomes it comes across as being insincere and having been curated by someone else. This is especially the case for famous people with a public relations team behind them. In the age of social media and artificial intelligence, the scrutiny for a fabricated apology will be intense, and no doubt more than a few eager internet sleuths will do their own investigations on whether the given apology was put together by ChatGPT (note to self, Ja Morant!). If an unscripted apology involves the display of raw emotion that is focused on the impact suffered by the other person, then it will likely be perceived as genuine. Beware though that apologetic displays of emotion can be histrionic and self-indulgent, and no one really wants to hear how the perpetrator’s bad behaviour towards others has caused them pain, or to feel a certain way about themselves, because they should not be the focus at that moment.

3. In many situations where people/organisations appear reluctant to offer an apology, or are delaying in doing so, chances are that lawyers have become involved and advised these entities not to offer an apology lest it be construed as an admission of guilt for which some form of liability would attach. The laws on this vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, but there is a common acceptance that an apology offered shouldn’t be prejudicial to a defendant in a subsequent trial. No doubt, it is a sad reality that an apology can’t just be offered for conduct that has clearly caused another harm, but when potentially large sums of money are at stake in a pending lawsuit, this reluctance to do so is somewhat understandable.  

4. In most disputes, it is my experience that each party shares an element of responsibility for what has occurred. It is rarer than we might think for one person to be completely blameless relative to the behaviour that the other person has demonstrated in the situation. When adjudicating on such matters, I would tend, from a credibility standpoint, to look more favourably on the side who can accept their share of responsibility for what has occurred and apologise for their role in that conflict. After all, being willing to see one’s role and apologise for that is not only a marker of maturity, but also integrity and good faith.

5. Don’t apologise or feel guilty for things you haven’t done. None of us are responsible for acts that caused harm to others before we were alive, yet we live in an age of perverse activism where individuals are sought to be persecuted for past wrongs because of the identity markers they share with past offenders. This is clearly absurd. The sins of the father belong to the father, not to their progeny, especially if the work and way of being of that progeny is playing a role in progressing the world forward from the harms that were wrought by those sins. Those often making these claims are also not first-hand victims of the behaviour in question, yet they victimise themselves by trying to make you responsible for their perceived harm/disadvantage. Apologising to these people and pandering to their irrational sensitivities is in reality an affront to their dignity as human beings. By enabling their playing of the victim, you are denying them agency, and the opportunity to grow through the process of having to examine and correct their false beliefs. If you genuinely care about their evolution and flourishing, you will take that stand and remind them of the responsibility they have to heal their own misconceptions.  

6. How we say something to someone is distinct from what we say to them, and the manner of this communication may itself justify an apology being offered. This is something to be mindful of if you aren’t afraid of argumentation, and you tend to make your points emotively and with conviction. I have observed about myself that I can be quite uncompromising in countering positions that are rooted in ideology or prejudicial assumptions that are too general to be accurate. Having tact requires a consideration of how your messaging will land to have the desired effect. Remember, when you have the ability to just tell another what you had for lunch, this obviates the need to vomit it all over them in order to get your message across.

Observing the Veil of Time (Part 2)

How ludicrous it is to contemplate that we spend so much of our time preparing to find fulfilment in the future, when it is freely available to us in the present moment. Believing that reaching our goals will make us whole and erase all discontent, we come to depend on time for our striving towards this aim, and ultimate sanity, for how could we truly live with ourselves being so defectively incomplete in this moment. Bound to this broken way of thinking, it is little wonder that we struggle to find peace and nourishment for our soul.

Despite our best hopes, the future cannot save us from the suffering that we experience in the present moment. Having to heal ourselves of the effects that our dysfunctional thinking has produced, it is not work that time, by its nature, can do. Time does not heal all wounds if we refuse to take responsibility for our present moment relationship to previously experienced trauma. By allowing ourselves to be consumed by negativity in the here and now, and feeling helpless to change it, our future will be destined to replicate this morose state of being.

For some time after my father’s death I felt the same sorrow and bitterness that cast a shadow over my life on the day that he passed. Wanting the wound to heal, it was not time’s slow passing that prevented it from happening, but my refusal to process my negative emotions that allowed them to continue to contaminate my present moment experience. Coming to realise this in a moment of introspection, I could start to truly reconcile what had happened and move beyond the grief by being mindful of what my father would have wanted for me.

With my father having learned firsthand how precious every moment is after being told that he only had a few months to live, I would dishonour him and what he had to endure if I stubbornly and selfishly refused to let go and incorporate the same lesson into my life. To fail to do this would have been injurious to his memory and the peace that he made with his own mortality. In circumstances of death (particularly of loved ones) the ego often traps us in our grief where we can’t see past the impacts that the death has had on us personally. This hurt can make us particularly indulgent of our pain and resistant towards healing when that process calls to us to commence. By opposing nature in this refusal to be made whole, we may continue to wear a badge of trauma that can garner sympathy, but at what cost to the quality of our existence?

Releasing that brake eventually, the quality of my life has never been better. Still thinking of him frequently, the memories are fond ones that inspire me to leave a legacy that he would be proud of. By choosing to focus on what I was blessed to have, the unhappiness of the past is conspicuously absent. Having come to terms with the circumstances of his passing, there is nothing about that chapter of my life that I now have to begrudge or regret. Our time in this world is destined to end after all, so why waste it by wishing that things could be different. Better is the world served by our mindful attention to what is unfolding in it now. Taking many different forms, these emergent features call us to first acknowledge their presence without judging and dismissing them instantaneously. This, we can manage within the limited scope of our attentional focus.

Just recently, I attended a mindfulness workshop at the university that I work. One of the exercises that our facilitator had us do was focusing our attention on the open palm of our hand. Instructing us then to slowly move a finger across the palm to witness the intimate connection between mind and body, I felt the presence of my spirit infuse the experience, without interference from the ego telling me that I had better ways to spend my time. Waiting for its intrusion, it thankfully kept its distance while I remained grounded in the purpose of the exercise. Here, I think that my disciplined practice of meditation served me well, by bending open the bars of time to hold a solid space that the ego could not encroach upon.  

Observing the Veil of Time (Part 1)

‘But what minutes!  Count them by sensation, and not by calendars, and each moment is a day.’ – Benjamin Disraeli.

Our relationship with time is a strange and often dysfunctional one. Cursing that it goes too quickly and that we don’t have enough of it, we frequently waste its gifting by spending it doing things that don’t really matter or move us forward. Couple this with our severe lack of presence in being, and it becomes clear that we must correct our perception of this all important commodity before we can begin to enjoy a deeper experience of life.

In the above quote, the former British Prime Minister teaches that time as we conceive of it and measure it, is layered over the present moment in which we engage with life. Blinding us to its significance, we take for granted its gifting and by so doing forego the grounding and centeredness that comes when we attune our being to life’s pulsations. Being the integrative movement that allows us to experience each moment as an expanse (or a day to use Disraeli’s hyperbole), this entering into life is what we can facilitate when we choose presence over having our attention be consumed by the construct of time and our attachments to it.

When we are preoccupied with our calendar and the chunks of time that it structures for our mind, it is very difficult to embrace life at a meaningful level. Reacting emotionally to the substance of our schedule, we are less responsive to life’s movements, and the impact that they seek to make on our consciousness is diminished as a result. This explains why so much of our emotional life is weighted in the negative. Being stressed about our obligations and fearful that we will not meet them, we struggle to see the joys and the goodness that surrounds us when they are right there staring us in the face.

To mitigate against this state of disconnection, it helps to practice mindfulness or other forms of conscious awareness of what is unfolding in the here and now. Removing the scales from our physical eyes, these practices require a surrendering of the ego that is dependent on time for the construction of a reality in which its objectives can be met. As we allow ourselves this liberty, we can shield ourselves from the fear and stress that our faithfulness to time enables in part. Having nowhere else to go to enjoy a serene mind and communicative heart, we can allow that experience to wash over us.

As much as the mind is receptive in a mindful state, the heart speaks of the virtuous substance that infuses and enriches our present moment experience. As proof of this, when we are still and silent, insight will be unveiled and an awareness of our incomplete conceptions of self will be made manifest. One of the first dominoes to fall here may involve our relationship with time itself. So many of us subscribe to the narrative that the past defines who we are and that we can’t break free from the person who we were yesterday, despite the limitations of that identity. While we might find comfort in that delusion, it also provides a convenience in getting us off the hook for the work that it takes to grow into a more integrated version of ourselves.

More generally, the conditioning of the mind that is held hostage by the ego teaches that it is normal to obsess about the past and the future. Wanting to control these two ends of an illusory spectrum, we engage in this frivolity and waste precious energy in the process when we refuse to accept that the past is gone and the future may never arrive. Just because we have evidence of living in this moment and in moments past, doesn’t guarantee us an experience of future moments in the years ahead or even in the next minute (as the victim of an unexpected heart attack would attest). Yet, we persist in taking this sliver of life for granted and suffering in the interim.

The Squandered Treasure

Picture this scenario. You have just won a million dollars and to celebrate your new found wealth you decide to go on a shopping spree. Having decided to purchase a new furniture set first, you visit an upscale furniture store which carries a wide range of expensive items from around the world. Walking into the store you are surrounded by a myriad of glorious pieces, but what catches your eye is a strange lounge set that appears out of place in that opulent setting. Located in the back corner of the store (perhaps for good reason), it is upholstered with a cheap patterned material that bears a lot of mismatched colours. Thinking it to be a hideous eyesore that you would be embarrassed to have a guest sit on, you nevertheless write a cheque for the ten thousand dollar asking price. Handing it to the cashier, you have them deliver it to your home immediately.

Wanting also a set of curtains to go with that furniture, you then venture into a different store to see what you can find. Spotting a set of new age rainbow drapes that threaten damage to your retinas as soon as you lay your eyes on them, you rationalize that they would be the perfect complement for your previous purchase, despite them not resonating with your natural sense of style at all. Paying the obscene cost for the item because you can, you then leave the store to spend the remainder of the money in a similar fashion. Filling your house with these things that you never really wanted, you then have to live day after day with these reminders of how you squandered your riches.

While you may be struggling to make sense of this unlikely scenario, why I have used it is because it carries great metaphorical significance. Illustrating an important point concerning the power of thought, it teaches us also to be wise in how we use the greatest faculty that we have been given. Endowed with an amazing mind that is capable of conceiving an endless array of possibilities and solutions to problems, we must be careful not to waste its creative abilities by focusing our attention on those things that we do not desire to manifest in our lives.

How often is it the case that we spend our precious moments thinking not about all the good things that we have in our lives, but of the things that we are dissatisfied with because they do not accord with our expectations? Or what about the times when we could use our mental and emotional energy to focus on where we want to go in our lives, but instead we dissipate that potent and transformative energy by staying stuck in the past and giving a voice to the guilt, blame, regret and anger that those past events arouse in us.

If we are to live a life that is worthy of our existence, we must learn to channel the power of our mind for constructive and life-giving ends. This means exercising responsibility for the content of our thoughts in a disciplined way. In exercising this self-control, we can bring order to our life in a way that enhances our daily experience of it. With our actions first emanating from thought, we can’t expect to manifest harmoniously when we are allowing ourselves to be directed by a chaotic mind.

In my own life, I have learned over a long period of time to catch myself indulging in negative patterns of thinking before they are translated to action. Having become more proficient at identifying and eradicating the trash that seeks to steal my treasure, I would think twice to not choose what I don’t want with the currency of my present attention. No matter who we are, we have in this and every moment the ability to enact that which is reflective of who we are and what we desire to become. This is the intentionality of our spirit that knowing the highest value in and of our lives, would never dream for this currency to be wasted on clutter that confounds our dwelling in the spirit’s house of peace.