A Rule for Opportunism (Part 2)

I have often heard people express how terrible they feel saying ‘no’ to others, but I think a big part of the negativity that they feel in response to this comes from the internal clarity that they lack around both who they are and what they want in their lives. The capacity to give a concrete ‘no’ is as empowering as the ability to give a firm ‘yes’, and we should be unapologetic in our willingness to close doors that don’t resonate with who we are and what we know that we need to do with our precious energy. I’m reminded of this at least a few times every semester when I receive requests from potential higher degree by research students who want me to supervise them on their PhD or Masters projects. Already having a few students who I need to dedicate myself towards, I won’t hesitate to let these prospective students know that I don’t have the capacity to fill this role, unless they can show that the focus of their project is in strong alignment with my own research agenda.

While these potential students might be disappointed if I say ‘no’ to involving myself in their project, in actuality I am doing them a favour by preserving the space for them to link up with another supervisor who not only has a stronger interest in the topic, but also the availability to give more of their passion and energy towards the project. In taking this course of action, I am actually serving that student in a more authentic way than if I had said ‘yes’ to helping them on a project that my heart was not really in. Here, I think that we need to respect the roles that we and others have been given to fill, and be willing to play a facilitative role when necessary to align others with opportunities that are better suited to them. Something that I was slow to learn, but have come to appreciate more in recent times is that just because you can do something, doesn’t mean that you should do it.

Despite this learning on the face of it being contradictory to the central maxim discussed in part 1 of this entry, I think it is more complementary in the respect that it requires us to explore and discern our motivations for doing what we do. The reasons why someone might choose a course of action that is within their power to advance are multitudinous. Perhaps they are inclined to do what they do for reasons of personal gain or ego, or it may be the case that what is animating their decisions are more benevolent and selfless in wanting to help another move forward on their path. This doing things for the right reasons (as distinct from choosing the right thing that is aligned with who we know ourselves to be) is also a really important consideration that we need to get clarity on if we are to be committed to that which we choose to pursue.

Just because we may say ‘yes’ to something, doesn’t of itself mean that we are really committed to it. A good exemplar of this are the millions of disengaged people around the world who work in jobs that their hearts are not really in. While they may say ‘yes’ to the work because they want to get paid for it and enjoy some of the other perks that the job may provide them with, we can see that they aren’t really invested in what they do because they have been animated by the wrong reasons in involving themselves in it. This may sound like a harsh judgement, but in most instances it is invariably true. While I understand that for some people, there is an element of need to take on a role because of dire financial circumstances, or a lack of other opportunities in the place where they live, for example, it also needs to be understood that for most people, they aren’t so encumbered in their personal circumstances to have to make a predetermined choice that significantly limits their options.

This is especially the case for people who have the opportunity to study at university and enjoy the prospects for upward social mobility that such an education affords them. Being a privilege that shouldn’t be taken for granted, this is something that I remind my students about constantly. While previous generations, like my grandparents who were immigrants from Italy, may have been confined to needing to work jobs to stave of privation, their offspring and succeeding progeny have many more avenues of exploration available to them that present opportunities to actualise their giftedness and potential. Here, a distinction needs to be made between a job, career and a calling/vocation as what distinguishes one from the other has relevance to the opportunities that people should say ‘yes’ to, or let pass them by.

Questioning the Utility of Affirmations

My intention for this piece is to look at affirmations and determine whether they are a useful tool in allowing those who practice them to create a more prosperous life. Affirmations are guiding or empowering statements that when routinely repeated are thought to change behaviour or one’s self-concept to better reflect a desired state of being. An example of such a statement could be, ‘everything I do either helps or hurts my prospects of success’. The purpose of such an affirmation would be to remind the person reciting it that each of their behaviours are consequential in creating a life that leads them either closer towards a desired outcome or further away from it. I must admit, when I was younger, I used to recite affirmations quite frequently as a part of my self-improvement regimen, but as I have gotten older and more foundationally aligned with the guiding purpose of my life, I have moved away from practicing them, principally because I have a more solid understanding of who I now am and how I should be orienting myself in the world. Despite this, I sometimes wonder whether I would be served by reintegrating them into my routine, so my hope here is that this examination will provide some clarity on whether I should do just that.

In what can often be a very shallow and opaque self-help environment, people can be led to believe that affirmations work like magic, and that if we put certain messages out into the universe, that an energy that is resonant with those messages will be returned to improve the quality of our life. I am not a subscriber to this kind of belief that was popularised by movies like ‘The Secret’. Where I think that affirmations are most useful is as an anchoring force towards an aspirational future state that we can effect by our own efforts. So in the example affirmation that I have stated above, when a person recites it, they are reminded that ultimately they are responsible for their actions, and that these actions have both positive and negative implications in the short and long term periods of their life. Centring them further in this reality as the affirmation is repeated, they are also led to become more aware and present to this locus of control that exists within, but is so often eschewed by the imposition of external forces which can convince the person that they are an impotent victim of circumstance.

For those of us who are inclined towards the self-help space, there exists a recognition of an ever present gap between where we currently are in our development and where we aspire to be at a future time after having worked on ourselves. Like the setting of goals that orient us towards those future points, affirmations serve a similar function but with less of the end in mind (depending of course on what the substance of the affirmation is). Being more concerned with the processual elements of who we need to become in order to reach those goals and beyond, they are perhaps more important in being able to ensure our sustained success towards that end. In my own experience, the affirmations that are most effective in altering our self-concept for the better are those that incorporate the first person ‘I’ into their wording. These types of affirmations also avoid the pitfall of relating to things that we have very little control over. For example, an affirmation like ‘others respond to me with enthusiasm and engagement’ puts the cart before the horse of what we can practically control through our own behaviour. While we can’t make others respond to us in this intended way because that is something that they exclusively have control over, we can affirm to ourselves that we are filled with the enthusiasm that engages us in something meaningful which others might want to follow if we are being congruous in feeling that enthusiasm.

Words are just that, words, but for affirmations to be given effect, they must be capable of being embodied. This is why they must be realistic and not pie in the sky or akin to a wish. An affirmation that would seek to have us win the lotto lacks the causative factor that is necessary to make it a reality. Yes, we can buy a number of lottery tickets as we go about affirming this desire, but too much remains beyond our limited control for this to materialise. Even if we were to adopt such an affirmation and somehow win the lotto, it wouldn’t bring us any feeling of fulfilment in what we have found because we would know that luck has played more of a pivotal part in something that we haven’t earned by our own efforts.

But, by contrast, with the ‘I’ centred affirmations described above, these require the cultivation of character or other deep seated virtues that are their own reward for the journey that the genuine embodiment of the substance of those affirmations enables us to take. These are the real, but often overlooked ‘riches’ that are more valuable than the end points that we seek out, often at the ego’s prompting (for the desired end state of winning the lotto, this can hardly be said to be motivated by benevolent purposes such as giving the money to charity or the advancement of other worthy causes – typically, this philanthropy is undertaken by those who have earned their money through entrepreneurial ventures or by other diligent means that have required sacrifice on their part). One form of these riches that affirmations can cultivate is the moving from a state of doubt to conviction in a domain such as the living of our life purpose or calling.

Maybe an affirmation that centres on our vocation reads as follows, ‘I serve and enrich others as I teach them about the importance of holistic (mental, physical and spiritual) health and well-being’. When you started out using the affirmation (or a more relevant variant of it), it was likely adopted because of a disconnect that you felt between your work and the meaning that it held for you. Engendering in you a sense of doubt that you were on purpose in your life, the initial benefit of articulating the affirmation in words is that it clarifies the ‘why’ component of your calling that constitutes a fundamental building block of belief as you resolve to recite the affirmation on a ritualistic basis. Whereas before you may have gone about your work without a conscious recognition of how your efforts were serving the needs of those others, by keeping a reminder of your daily impacts before your eyes, you gain a stronger faith in the difference you are making to their lives. Improving the qualitative experience of your lived calling, this manifests not only in greater levels of fulfilment as you go about your work, but also in better outcomes for those you serve and enrich. Begetting even greater faith in the necessity of your inspired work, the bridge to conviction won’t long be crossed to where you harbour no doubts about the path you are on and the capacity for positive transformation that it has in the world.

As with most things, affirmations can be adopted to serve shallow or substantive purposes. What I hope to have established here is their utility in serving the latter which enhances not only the individual life of the affirmer but also the conditions of the external world which our personal flourishing can’t help but permeate. For these reasons, I think that affirmations can be a valuable tool for future manifestation of a desired state of being if they are authentic to the person and animate them with the internal resources that are needed to actualise the higher version of themselves that is envisioned.

Delineating Masculinity and Misogyny

Over the past couple of weeks I have been contemplating the questions, what is it that makes a man what he should be, and how is that different from the noxious embodiment of misogynistic qualities that give men a bad name? While I am no fan of the concept of ‘toxic masculinity’ which I believe is a weaponising label conceived by more radical feminists to both demonise men and deny their own capacity for destructive behaviour, I do not doubt the propensity for harm that some men have (think of the dark triad types – narcissists, psychopaths and Machiavellians) when they act to diminish the value of women in the eyes of the world. What piqued my interest in this topic was the controversy surrounding online influencer Andrew Tate, and the labels that have attached to him since his initial cancellation from social media and his subsequent re-emergence on Twitter. How much of these accusations are fair, or beyond the pale? Needing to do my own research into the ‘manosphere’ for a counter-extremism project that I am involved in at work, this presented a valuable opportunity to learn more about this distinction and form some nuanced views on the topic.

When I think about the concept of masculinity, it defines for me the requirement for men to bring the best of what they have to offer to the world into form. This contribution includes the fulfilment of their life purpose and the development of character that will allow them to manifest virtue in their dealings with others. Being complimentary to the best of what women have to bring to the world, there is space enough for these energies to exist alongside and invigorate each other so that we can advance the station of what our shared humanity has been given life to become. To all initiatives and agents that faithfully serve this purpose to actualise our collective potential as men and women, they have my abiding support.

What too often clouds this picture of advancing men (and by extension women) towards this end of mutual thriving are less integrated actors who are more ego driven then they are animated by the better angels of their masculine nature. Whether that takes the form of narcissistic men who use and abuse women for their sexual gratification, or wounded men who have unresolved tensions with maternal figures in their past which they externalise to bring present harm to the women they encounter, these embodiments represent a shadow descent into the misogyny that masculinity can too easily get confused for in this current climate. While I wouldn’t go so far as to claim that men are being victimised by our modern culture, I think there is strong evidence of a movement towards certain segments of society wanting to feminise men in order to counter the harms that misogyny which is mistakenly equated with masculinity can bring about. But there is no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater and neuter men who are trying in good faith to chart their course in the world. For them to make inroads in this positive direction, they must have strong role models in the home and their extended networks to imitate until they can establish the solidity of character that defines masculinity in the terms I have described above.

The irony in all this is that far left figments such as toxic masculinity, the patriarchy and the desire to disband the nuclear family often play a significant role in the introduction of men to misogynistic modes of thinking through the gateway that is the manosphere. By shaming men into denying their fundamental masculine nature, they stimulate a sense of isolation and resentment towards society that moves them towards the online communities that are led by pseudo-charismatic personalities like Tate and other opportunistic grifters. Even Tate himself has acknowledged the role that the disenfranchisement of young men in society has had on his emergence as a prominent influencer in the space.

How well he serves the role as a leader of men is very much up for debate, and after consuming a decent amount of his content to come to my own conclusion, I am reminded that we humans are complex creatures with nuanced perspectives on different matters that can’t be neatly lumped together under the labels ‘good’, ‘bad’, ‘masculine’ or ‘misogynist’. To give Tate (who some would equate to the devil) his due, he does advocate for men to embody virtuous qualities such as discipline, emotional control and responsibility, but tempering the potential for positive impact that this messaging has are a raft of sexist and degrading statements about women that can’t be overlooked. By his holding of the beliefs that women are the property of their husbands and that they should not be allowed to drive, amongst other more chauvinistic takes, his credibility as a paragon of masculinity is fatally undermined. Even for the legitimate or useful things that he may have to say, I can think of numerous other sources who would be more reputable dispensers of that information, such as Ryan Holiday on the benefits of practicing stoicism, or boxing champion Tyson Fury on the necessity of focus and hard work to achieve success in any endeavour.

Why it is important to delineate masculinity and misogyny is that the former is the antidote to the latter. To be in the presence of integrated leaders and father figures in the home and the other domains of social life, obviates the need for surrogates such as Andrew Tate to fill that mentoring role. By the substantive guidance and means for meaningful progress that these integrated men provide, the backwardness of the misogynistic worldview becomes obvious to see. Lying at the heart of the masculine spirit is the impetus to do the work of unfurling its gifts in service of the broader needs of society. Aligning with this truth and orienting purpose undoubtedly makes men a force for good in the world, and there is nothing toxic or worth flagellating about that.

NOTE: As I write this, news has broken of Tate’s arrest in Romania on charges of human trafficking and sexual assault. While these allegations remain unproven until his guilt is established at trial, I can’t say that I am surprised by them being made given what would be the logical extension of some of his more extreme views about women.

Boundaries for Beginners (Part 3)

In this important domain of relationships, the metaphors of doors and walls can also be instructive in teaching us about healthy personal boundaries. I have already talked about holes, being the unformed parts of our identity that prevent us from growing into our fullness and possessing the solidity of an individuated character. Doors are those parts of our developed psychological skin that we control by determining whether and when to open them. With the handle for this door being on the inside of ourselves, we are able to preserve the power to influence what comes into our lives and what we don’t have to internalise. Just like the saying that says, it is not what happens to us in our lives that determines our course, but how we respond to those circumstances that makes the difference, the difference that having this type of door makes to our life is significant because it allows us to self-determine what we will allow to shape and impact our inner life.

In a world in which we are constantly being bombarded with messaging and susceptible to experiencing overwhelm, this is no small thing. Having this door in place is like a resilience shield that provides a barrier to those harmful or discombobulating influences, while preserving our focus and energy for those people and things that are most pivotal to sustaining the vitality of our lives. Contrast this to the type of door where the handle is on the outside and it becomes clear why the feature of autonomy is so important if we are to preserve our sanity. When the ability to close this door is beyond our control, then effectively we are relegated to the role of marionette that can be manipulated by the whims of others puppeteering tendencies. This is especially dangerous if those with a psychopathic or sociopathic profile sniff out this weakness and put us in their crosshairs, for we will be like putty in their hands to be depleted and disposed of without mercy.    

Walls are something different altogether. These are places in our psychological skin that have been impenetrably calloused over due to the experiencing of a series of hurts. One of the forms in which we see this is the person who swears they will never love again because they have been burnt by their prior relationships not working. Not wanting to open themselves up to having to experience that pain again, they erect a wall to protect themselves from that outcome eventuating in the future. While this may sound like a justifiable decision in light of what has occurred, it is actually detrimental because it closes off the possibility of encountering and engaging in a genuinely loving relationship. Not being given the room to enter their heart, it is the one who hides behind the wall that is effectively kept prisoner until the suffering inherent in that role leads them to want to break the wall down and pursue something more life-giving to their soul. Some people arrive at this place at the cost of healing their trauma, while others never do, and often it is difficult work that requires the intervention of a psychologist or counsellor. But this work is always worth it because it facilitates an unburdening of negative past emotions that no longer serve who we seek to become.

When I think of these walls, I often think of communist countries that have at one time or another isolated themselves from the rest of the world. In the process of them doing this they deprive their citizens of the best the world has to offer them, while also denying the world the best of what their unique national culture has to offer. It should hardly be surprising that such a state leads to depression in economic activity and the suppression of the human spirit under totalitarian rule. Similarly, when an individual allows their trauma to rule their daily experience of life, that is when severe mental health conditions such as depression are given licence to occupy their mind and have an insidious broader working on the circumstances of their life.

While of course this condition can be genetically or biologically rooted in an individual, to the extent that we can develop our boundaries to avoid its onset or other negative internal states, we should do so. Wellbeing and the building of confidence to successfully navigate the world comes from the healthy development of boundary function and the attendant competence in knowing when to open doors in the different areas of our lives and when to close them. Fostering also a wisdom of discernment and the preservation of our rich inner resources, we should not squander these gifts, for only when we know the source from which they come can we deliver them effectively where needed.