While of course it is important to not neglect others, particularly those who are dependent on us for care or supervision, I believe that sometimes we can use our responsibilities as an excuse to not exercise the self-care that is required to morph into the best version of ourselves. In an age where busyness has become a status symbol, I am dubious of people who exhibit the characteristics of a martyr, and wear themselves so thin in the effort to be seen as good that they drastically inhibit their innate capacity to flourish and feel energised by life. When we are living our calling, and thus serving the world from the fullness of who we are, our work is not draining, but sustaining, and if we are feeling hollowed and depleted by our dance on the treadmill of life, it may indicate that we have partnered with the ego in playing the role of someone who is acting selflessly for selfish motives. With this, don’t underestimate the cunning of this false self in using the veneer of perception to draw to itself the attention and recognition that bolsters the strength of its identity in us.
Virtue signalling has become so prevalent in our culture for this very reason, and across a range of domains we can see a multitude of examples where the goodness that is sought to be displayed does not have a firm foundation in the source of that messaging. In politics, we are implored to support an initiative under the pretence of the common good, when the real motive behind that push is a power driven desire to be re-elected into office. Within the religious domain, what we see with this is a mode of behaving which hypocritically teaches to do as I say, not do as I do, and directly contradicts the spiritual basis of the tenets on which those institutions rest. The greenwashing of products in the corporate world shows how some businesses are exploiting the desire of consumers to do good for the planet through their buying decisions, in order to strengthen their bottom lines. Even in the fields of marketing and branding, I frequently see a massive disconnect between what is sought to be presented to consumers in the market and how these individuals and businesses conduct themselves in order to make a sale. Just like you, I receive a number of mass marketing materials every day in which the sender tacitly seeks to affirm that they know better than I what is in my best interests, and luckily for me that just happens to be the product or service that they are graciously offering as a panacea for my supposed dysfunction.
Understand here that such hubris and striving to gain through the guise of giving is the work of the ego. Whatever is the hole that we have within ourselves as a result of turning away from our spiritual nature, we will be compelled to fill it with an absence of the awareness that what we are doing is readily transparent to those who have tended to their garden of self-knowledge and dutifully uprooted the weeds of their own unconscious behaviour. So arrogant is the ego that only it believes it is successfully pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes, but what it fails to realise is that not everybody accedes to be so deceived, even if they don’t call out the source of that duplicity themselves. When we connect to the source of consciousness within ourselves, we learn pretty quickly to leave those who are stuck in playing the martyr or victim alone until they can learn the lessons that they are so intent on denying. We needn’t be drawn into their dysfunction and feel bad or guilty about this, as these individuals will still have the company of co-dependent others who serve their own selfish motives by playing into and reinforcing these helpless and destructive roles. As one of my research respondents wisely commented about this point, sometimes you need to let others go and let them grow.
If we are to be truly selfless in relation to another, we won’t seek to make them an instrument of our wholeness. Selfless love, that liberates rather than enslaves, is whole unto itself and doesn’t require anyone to complete it. Such a pseudo romantic notion that has been perpetuated by movies such as Jerry Maguire plays into this egocentric and selfish idea of love where we will shower our affection or praise on another if they agree to give us what we want. But really, is this any less of a manipulation that is engaged in by a corporate entity who agrees to take your money in exchange for a dream that they have sold you which is not real.
Dr. L. Christian Duperouzel 