We live in a world where many people have trouble with hearing the word ‘no’. Wanting the validation that comes with being listened to, they often go about finding this validation in the wrong ways. Not believing that other people will listen to them willingly, those who are desperate to have their voices heard, will try to impose themselves on others, whether by emotional, verbal or physical means. Set on having their views accepted, they resort to intimidation and force, which can only ever lead to a win-lose or mutually detrimental outcome.
No matter how hard anybody might try, they cannot bully another into accepting their position. Either a person will accept a position willingly, or not at all. Resentment is a mighty barrier to acceptance. Stirring it up in those whom we try to control, their resistance will be all the more intense. Fostering hostility with our unwelcome imposition, we receive it back in equal or greater amounts from those whose boundaries we have violated by our righteous and indulgent actions.
As human beings, we value our free-will. Exercising it, we feel in control of our lives, and that makes us feel competent and secure. Having this treasure chest of possibilities threatened by an intruder, it is only normal that we will rebel in response to their attack. With this gift of free-will being such a crucial component of our very existence, it is not something that we can just surrender, especially in the face of someone who is attempting to rob us of it.
In this context, what is sought to be taken, is better earned. What this means in terms of being listened to, is first listening to what others have to say in the absence of judgment. A primary need that we have as human beings is to be accepted. To be accepted is to feel that we are seen, heard and valued. It is to understand that we matter, are worthy of respect, and that we have something meaningful to offer to the world.
People communicate who they are in many ways, with words being one of the prime instruments of expression. Being open to receiving them, when they are moving from someone who is opening up to us, a connection can be created, which in its willing embrace satisfies the fundamental need that each party has to be accepted. To be open and giving of our attention, requires us to first and foremost listen to what others are attempting to tell us. Practicing this important and selfless skill that gives others the podium, we are presented with the opportunity to see and acknowledge those others for who they truly are.
As John C. Maxwell points out, people do not care how much we know, until they know how much we care. To genuinely demonstrate care for another, we must drop the ego in the moments that they call us to presence. Wanting to establish a connection, and have them receive what we have to give, we must engage graciously and generously from the spirit, not belligerently from the ego. From this, we can see what separates the person who is welcomed into our world, from the one who is denied without hesitation.
In so many of our interactions, the barrier that we encounter is not erected by the other person, but by our own mind. Coming from the realm of the self-centric ego that is always concerned with being right and justifying its own position, we create a divide between ourselves and others when we orient these interactions around gaining acceptance, rather than giving of our acceptance.
Focusing on ourselves and not on other people, we neglect their needs to give priority to our own. A violation of the universal law of reciprocity, it produces disharmony and a reduced willingness in others, to give or share anything of substance. Put on alert as to our attempt to exploit, their ego defences are activated and a battle ensues. Not ending until one of the participants gets their way, these are hollow victories that come at the expense of our shared respect and dignity.